Hello Everyone -
39 year old male, 220lbs 12% bodyfat looking to regain his health.
Ive been sick for a long time. Here is my story.
I was a competitive bodybuilder and did 5 regional shows and 5 national shows from 2009-2016...but during that time I knew things weren't right. I have a history of anxiety, depression, and insomnia. I would consider it pretty severe as its limited me in many ways throughout my life. Except when I was competing as I was hyper focused and didn't really work or stress much. But I didnt sleep because I was so over stimulated by the amount of hormones and fat burners I was on. Like maybe 3-5 hours a night for all of those years. I was young and not in tune with my body.
My anxiety/insomnia started when I was about 6. I created a world in my head until I finally went on an SSRI and benzos from 18-33 years old. I switched doctors in 2016 and he had me come off everything cold turkey and that moment completely changed my life. My heart rate spiked to 120 for 3 weeks and I was unable to get out of bed, I felt like I was going to explode until I went back on my meds. I went to an endo and she spent 3 years trying to get me to feel better but it didn't happen. I had a TSH of less than .001, 223 natural testosterone, etc. She ramped up t3 meds to 75mcg a day, looking back I think it made me worse but I was working so much I just didnt have time to sit and think about anything I always felt like I was going insane.
The lack of sleep caught up to me and I had 1-2 years where I was taking so many benzos just to go to work I had a real problem. Then I added kratom, up to 75g per day for about 4 years just to be able to get out of bed. I have been diagnosed with: adrenal insufficiency to bipolar disorder to Borderline Personality Disorder because my personality changed so much because I Was so tired. I spent all of this money trying to sort myself out but it was because I Was so ramped up on t3 and test. I was also taking 200mg of test and its just way too much for me.
I will say I was extremely dependent on a girlfriend taking care of me, until she finally left me on my own. Its been a few years of me getting use to taking care of myself. I had a extremely protective mother, and went from girlfriend to girlfriend with like 1-2 days between relationships for 15 years.
I feel the best I've ever felt being alone and taking care of myself the past few years. Im extremely proud of myself because before I literally couldn't go 12 hours being alone. I had to be with someone or I would get extremely suicidal and just crazy in my head. After the first 6 months of being alone went by, I dont know if I have the skills to be with someone so I stay alone.
So the big crash happened in 2016 at 33 and im almost 40. I finally have things the most under control they have ever been, and its because my hormones are also the lowest they have ever been. I have to be careful with everything, with sleep, with not over working, with not doing "too much" in general, or I crash and spend 2-3 weeks isolated at home in bed. Its been a few years of me overworking and not taking care of myself until its too late. I have this ability to push though and just the mindset of never giving up, but it took a while for me to realize that I Cant be that person anymore. I have to be a very careful person.
I cant date or do normal things as everything is too stressful for me. My system is extremely sensitive to any disturbances so I spend most of my time working, meditating, playing guitar. I haven't been able to workout in about 7 years. But I've stayed on 140mg of test per week and still walk around 220 and 12% bodyfat. Id like to be about 9% at 205 but Im not in a rush, but that would make be feel pretty happy.
I never cheat on my diet. I eat 300g protein per day and enough carbs and fats to offset what Im burning during my day. I'm a personal trainer so I have a very active job, but for years just going to work was killing me. I had everything I could do to just get through the day and then id crash on the couch exhausted beyond anything else. But I couldn't sleep. So I lived this very isolated alone life until about 2 months ago.
Ive been to a lot of doctors. A lot of holistic trauma healers, pretty much anything you can think of. Multiple endocrinologists. Its taken a while but my PC doctor put me on propranolol April of 2023 and its made my life so much better. My heart rate was above 100 for like 5 years and it was absolutely draining. Its like 52 at rest now and 75 at work and I feel like a different person. Im also sleeping like 10 hours a night. I do take trazadone 200mg per night and another 50-100mg to get back to sleep, along with benzos and kratom. For so many years I got less than 5 hours a night so this has been life changing.
I had also lost my hearing about 5 years ago because of this and hearing aids are another thing I've recently added and I think those do help to stimulate my brain and make me feel less tired all the time.
I guess what Im here for is help fine tuning things, and to get my energy back. I would love to just live a normal life. For so many years I only wanted to live if I was the best bodybuilder in the state (and I was) but now I just want to be able to feel normal. If all this stuff didnt happen I would have been dead. I was on a high dose cycle of every muscle building compound you can think of for like 5 years straight. Im thankful in a lot of ways for being sick, because it saved me.
I recently got blood work and my TSH is back to .1 (1.5-4.5 is the scale) so we are doing more tests to see what exactly that means. My goal is to have more energy and eventually be able to train again. What Ive noticed lately is the more stuff I take, the more it turns into adrenaline and it leaks out my energy. I basically use the weekend to do nothing and recover, and by Fridays I feel like I have fire in my muscles and behind my eyes. Ive noticed this to be particularly true if I don't eat enough carbs. I feel like im on fire like my eyes and muscles feel like they are burning off my face.
We are also doing a morning cortisol test next week for adrenal function. Its taken me a little while to have him look into this. I took hydrocortisone for a few years with my endocrinologist but it didn't really change anything. She also fed me like 75mcg of t3 a day because of how tired I was and my bloodwork never improved.
I meditated for 1.5 hours a day for about 4 years and it did help some, but propranolol has helped so much more than anything else.
Supps:
Desvenlafaxine 50mg AM
Test Cyp 20mg 5 days a week (100mg per week total, recently lowered from 140mg total)
Clonzepam .25mg 3x a day ( down from 6x a day this winter)
Trazadone 200-300mg per night for sleep
Propanolol 20mg 3-4x per day, less on weekends
Kratom (as high as 75g per day, recently tapered down to 30g per day mostly at night)
magnesium 400g 2x per day
inositol 3g 2x per day
Boron 6mg 2x a day for total to free test conversion (this is new as of May 2023)
Pregnenolone 50mg at night (new as of May 2023)
Vit C
MultiVitamin half a serving 1-2x per day
You know after writing all of this, it makes me feel like I need to find a new endocrinologist. Ive never written it all out like that.
39 year old male, 220lbs 12% bodyfat looking to regain his health.
Ive been sick for a long time. Here is my story.
I was a competitive bodybuilder and did 5 regional shows and 5 national shows from 2009-2016...but during that time I knew things weren't right. I have a history of anxiety, depression, and insomnia. I would consider it pretty severe as its limited me in many ways throughout my life. Except when I was competing as I was hyper focused and didn't really work or stress much. But I didnt sleep because I was so over stimulated by the amount of hormones and fat burners I was on. Like maybe 3-5 hours a night for all of those years. I was young and not in tune with my body.
My anxiety/insomnia started when I was about 6. I created a world in my head until I finally went on an SSRI and benzos from 18-33 years old. I switched doctors in 2016 and he had me come off everything cold turkey and that moment completely changed my life. My heart rate spiked to 120 for 3 weeks and I was unable to get out of bed, I felt like I was going to explode until I went back on my meds. I went to an endo and she spent 3 years trying to get me to feel better but it didn't happen. I had a TSH of less than .001, 223 natural testosterone, etc. She ramped up t3 meds to 75mcg a day, looking back I think it made me worse but I was working so much I just didnt have time to sit and think about anything I always felt like I was going insane.
The lack of sleep caught up to me and I had 1-2 years where I was taking so many benzos just to go to work I had a real problem. Then I added kratom, up to 75g per day for about 4 years just to be able to get out of bed. I have been diagnosed with: adrenal insufficiency to bipolar disorder to Borderline Personality Disorder because my personality changed so much because I Was so tired. I spent all of this money trying to sort myself out but it was because I Was so ramped up on t3 and test. I was also taking 200mg of test and its just way too much for me.
I will say I was extremely dependent on a girlfriend taking care of me, until she finally left me on my own. Its been a few years of me getting use to taking care of myself. I had a extremely protective mother, and went from girlfriend to girlfriend with like 1-2 days between relationships for 15 years.
I feel the best I've ever felt being alone and taking care of myself the past few years. Im extremely proud of myself because before I literally couldn't go 12 hours being alone. I had to be with someone or I would get extremely suicidal and just crazy in my head. After the first 6 months of being alone went by, I dont know if I have the skills to be with someone so I stay alone.
So the big crash happened in 2016 at 33 and im almost 40. I finally have things the most under control they have ever been, and its because my hormones are also the lowest they have ever been. I have to be careful with everything, with sleep, with not over working, with not doing "too much" in general, or I crash and spend 2-3 weeks isolated at home in bed. Its been a few years of me overworking and not taking care of myself until its too late. I have this ability to push though and just the mindset of never giving up, but it took a while for me to realize that I Cant be that person anymore. I have to be a very careful person.
I cant date or do normal things as everything is too stressful for me. My system is extremely sensitive to any disturbances so I spend most of my time working, meditating, playing guitar. I haven't been able to workout in about 7 years. But I've stayed on 140mg of test per week and still walk around 220 and 12% bodyfat. Id like to be about 9% at 205 but Im not in a rush, but that would make be feel pretty happy.
I never cheat on my diet. I eat 300g protein per day and enough carbs and fats to offset what Im burning during my day. I'm a personal trainer so I have a very active job, but for years just going to work was killing me. I had everything I could do to just get through the day and then id crash on the couch exhausted beyond anything else. But I couldn't sleep. So I lived this very isolated alone life until about 2 months ago.
Ive been to a lot of doctors. A lot of holistic trauma healers, pretty much anything you can think of. Multiple endocrinologists. Its taken a while but my PC doctor put me on propranolol April of 2023 and its made my life so much better. My heart rate was above 100 for like 5 years and it was absolutely draining. Its like 52 at rest now and 75 at work and I feel like a different person. Im also sleeping like 10 hours a night. I do take trazadone 200mg per night and another 50-100mg to get back to sleep, along with benzos and kratom. For so many years I got less than 5 hours a night so this has been life changing.
I had also lost my hearing about 5 years ago because of this and hearing aids are another thing I've recently added and I think those do help to stimulate my brain and make me feel less tired all the time.
I guess what Im here for is help fine tuning things, and to get my energy back. I would love to just live a normal life. For so many years I only wanted to live if I was the best bodybuilder in the state (and I was) but now I just want to be able to feel normal. If all this stuff didnt happen I would have been dead. I was on a high dose cycle of every muscle building compound you can think of for like 5 years straight. Im thankful in a lot of ways for being sick, because it saved me.
I recently got blood work and my TSH is back to .1 (1.5-4.5 is the scale) so we are doing more tests to see what exactly that means. My goal is to have more energy and eventually be able to train again. What Ive noticed lately is the more stuff I take, the more it turns into adrenaline and it leaks out my energy. I basically use the weekend to do nothing and recover, and by Fridays I feel like I have fire in my muscles and behind my eyes. Ive noticed this to be particularly true if I don't eat enough carbs. I feel like im on fire like my eyes and muscles feel like they are burning off my face.
We are also doing a morning cortisol test next week for adrenal function. Its taken me a little while to have him look into this. I took hydrocortisone for a few years with my endocrinologist but it didn't really change anything. She also fed me like 75mcg of t3 a day because of how tired I was and my bloodwork never improved.
I meditated for 1.5 hours a day for about 4 years and it did help some, but propranolol has helped so much more than anything else.
Supps:
Desvenlafaxine 50mg AM
Test Cyp 20mg 5 days a week (100mg per week total, recently lowered from 140mg total)
Clonzepam .25mg 3x a day ( down from 6x a day this winter)
Trazadone 200-300mg per night for sleep
Propanolol 20mg 3-4x per day, less on weekends
Kratom (as high as 75g per day, recently tapered down to 30g per day mostly at night)
magnesium 400g 2x per day
inositol 3g 2x per day
Boron 6mg 2x a day for total to free test conversion (this is new as of May 2023)
Pregnenolone 50mg at night (new as of May 2023)
Vit C
MultiVitamin half a serving 1-2x per day
You know after writing all of this, it makes me feel like I need to find a new endocrinologist. Ive never written it all out like that.
