Need some Life/marriage advice and why I've been MIA

[PAUL-E]

Don't know where to start hard to be open about this but I could use some advice. The last few years have been really really hard I had a injury at work that resulted in CRPS. My worked stopped offering me work and paying for all medical including prescriptions after an insurance IME instead of trying to work with me and do the right thing they sought OJ Simmson justice. During this time I was on Lyrica I experienced weight gain, high blood pressure, edema, elevated kidney values, major depression and abnormal thoughts. I already felt like I was letting my family down so this didn't help. Also during this time I wasn't able to be their like I should and instead of being supportive my wife put me down. Sooo later I discovered my wife started having an affair with a coworker I found out from her phone she lied at 1st denied etc.. but eventually admitted it then immediately blamed me. so where it's at about a year later, still swears it didn't get physical it was a emotional affair still indirectly blames me even though she said it was her stupid choice wants to work it out and move forward. She has been better but she also has had a gambling problem for over 10 years that has been better but still a concern.

where I'm at now, I love my family the life me made I love my wife but its not the same I can't trust her and I don't look at her the same and I came the the conclusion that it will never be the same. I do believe in second chances except when I met my wife she was going threw a divorce she was forced into marriage at 16(she is asian) it turned into a back and forth thing where she wanted to try and make it work for the kids (I understand) then it was over we were dating she gets pregnant about 7 month we are laying in bed my son is kicking feeling happy (never meet my dad happy to be one) and she starts crying tells me there's a chance he might not be mine that she took my step daughter to see her ex and she said no he didn't listen and said she was confused felt horrible and had o tell me now needless t say that F***ing hurt never really got over it so turned out he was my son and my moved forward a second chance.

I'm having a lot of depression and anxiety over this there are times I a shaking and feel like I'm going to have a heart attack because I cant trust her like she is going to hurt me again or that there still might me something going on or someone else just crazy. there are times I hate her so much for ruining everything. I am thinking divorce we talked a little about it off and on before my sons would be with me she would pay child support we would sell our house and split the $

I'm leaving out a lot because there is too much but this is the main points any opinions or feedback? thanks

 

[PAUL-E]

affair was with someone at work 10 years older on his 2nd marriage 4 kids told my wife I was cheating on her said she was amazing he had interest in her she's attractive etc.. so went to her work asked to talk to my wife she came out a minute later he followed so I introduced my self was polite when I went to shake his hand left handed crps in my right he immediately reacted in a defensive manner like I was going to stab him or something I said man to man whats going on between you and my wife he lied said nothing and even tried saying shit to me that I need to trust my wife until I said something he said to her then he knew I knew and he shut up looked down and that was that.

unhappy that I approached him my wife apologized for me approaching him she said that she didn't want to have problems at work (I'm still not happy about that either).

 

[FeelingLost]

Hi Paul-E, Sorry to hear about the accident and family issues. It is always more complicated when children are involved.
Only you can truely answer the questions you are posting here.
But that said if you are experiencing depression and anxiety along with heavy med use for the CRPS you might not be thinking clearly.
I would try and work on the depression and anxiety before you make any major life changing decisions.

You might not be able to change what is happening with your wife but you can change how you respond to it.
Take a really good look at your self talk I'll bet it is super negative. If so you've got to get a handle on it. Seek some professional help.
I know that is tough for guys. It was for me. I waited and I ended up in the emergency room with 24/7 anxiety trigger panic.

 

[PAUL-E]

Thanks the only med's I'm taking now are hcg testosterone and Nandrolone for my crps (it has been a godsend compared to those other drugs) still get stiffness pain hypersensitivity red blotchy look and purple in the colder weather but it has helped.

I told my wife what I've been going threw she feels bad and asked if I still would feel that way if we were not together I spent a long time thinking about it and I don't think I would I wouldn't have to be scared about her hurting me. I have had a lot of opportunities to cheat I never have I knew what was important to me and that was my family but now I don't feel as strong about that and I don't like it and I don't want to be with someone I feel like I cant trust. had two women at work ask if i was married I said yes one still tried to give me her number I didn't take it but I had a second thought and in the past I never would have.

 

[PAUL-E]

I have an opportunity to settle my work thing now I would have enough to get out of the dept I got in when unemployment ran out and I wasn't working and pay to try hyperbaric oxygen therapy or spend the next several years trying to fight for retraining(school) and have a chance it wont go in my favor be even older and still have to go back to school for 2 years on top of that. my lawyer said chance of getting nandrolone or O2 therapy covered are slim to none and what ever I can get cover I will spend the rest of my life in and out of court trying to get reimbursed

our system is soooo F'ed!

but at least I'm working even if I make half of what I used to.

 

[PAUL-E]

Thanks for the sugestions I'll plan on going to counseling , I dont want to end up on more meds like lyrica that will mess me up and cause ED

 

[Vince Carter]

Counseling does help. I used to see a female Priest I knew kind of outside of the church and that was rather helpful just talking in a free environment.

From two divorced guy I'd tell ya to get out. Walk. And don't look back, other your child of course. Protect what remains on your financial and other assets and get out. There's no good that really comes with staying in a situation like this. It's rough and tough for awhile speaking from experience but once that relationship is over it's time to eject, staying in a burning plane as it spirals to the ground is silly. I think people's hesitance to sever relations contributes to the pain that they endure. You can't heal until the injury, the marriage and all that, stops.

As long as you stay, you consent to it and what "it" is, is abuse. You're being abused, emotionally at the very least.

 

[Saul]

My Dad told me - Nothing better than a good woman, and nothing worse than a bad one. I have found that to be true. I would follow Vince's advice. Secure your financials, keep a good relationship with the kids, and get to a better spot. I would rather be alone, watch some sports, hike, fish and read than put up with what you are being put through. Your gal has deep emotional issues and it is ruining you too. It will get worse for awhile, and then it will probably get a lot better for you. Good luck.

 

[PAUL-E]

Yeah I gave it time to process what has happened a lot of the reason I gave it time and thought about trying to make it work was for the kids and since I caught my wife and things came out at first it was my fault because I wasn't there but I know that's not true I know it's a choice she made and when things go on behind your back for months and you know something isn't right and you talk and try to work through things but all you get were lies it's a choice. She even said she knew what she was doing wrong but she liked the attention the last 6 months she has been really nice trying to do everything for me trying to tell me that she's here for me but it's not the same and it won't be she just keeps saying sorry she wasn't herself and she wants to move forward and make it work. it's funny you would think that if you're cheated on at least it would be with someone better found out this guy's an alcoholic has had the cops at his house for a domestic abuse so he beats his wife sells drugs on the side and even got his wife on them a real winner and let's not forget cheats on his wife he told my wife his wife cheated on him and that she told him it was okay for him to get even basically have an affair I guess I'm just venting I've had dreams about cutting his face off little piece by piece as he is screaming also had a dream I strangled my wife and killed her used CPR and brought her back and then told her I still ****ing hate her so I guess I got a lot of anger to work through good thing I'm not a violent person.

 

[PAUL-E]

Thanks for the support guys culturally my sons should be with me and that's what she said too but when it comes down to it we will see. I'm trying to figure out the best way and time to do it. It's funny even though I've been through all this I still don't want to hurt her I guess I don't have an evil heart. I would still like to see my step daughter I raised since she was 3 and we should still try to get along for the kids.

 

[Scully]

I hope you will take FeelingLost's advice and deal with your own depression, anger, insecurities before you make any life altering decisions. The rage you feel is understandable but it is also unhealthy and can lead you to make bad choices for you and your kids. Talking these things through with someone not involved in the situation can help.

 

[Saul]

Before you do anything, talk to a divorce attorney to make sure you do things correct and to protect your interests re the house/custody/visitation . . .

 

[Country23030]

Depression? Get over it! it's not about anybody else. In spite of how messed up things are, (i'm conservative) every day is a new day in The USA. Keep fighting bro' it is definitely required when practicing TRT and to overcome depression.

 

[PAUL-E]

Ok so counseling and talk to a lawyer. Thanks for the tough love sometimes thats the best medicine just having a hard time feel like everything I worked so hard for is falling apart and not being able to do the things that I love in the capacity that I used to it's hard having to live with limitations is hard being in pain all the time is hard but who said life is easy or Fair. Like you said everyday is a new day just got to take it one day at a time and keep moving forward And I can't say I'm completely innocent when my wife started putting me down and talking shit I pushed her away to I said things I shouldn't have as well.

 

[PAUL-E]

I got all the advice I needed could a moderator please delete this topic I would but I don't know how thank you

 

[PAUL-E]

So feeling better overall didn't talk to the counselor yet still plan on it. I did talk to my wife we came to an agreement pretty much sell the house and split everything I keep my 401k and pension she keeps hers as far as the kids no child support either way and the kids would take turns going back and forth every weekend our oldest son would live with me the youngest with her.

 

[PAUL-E]

She says she still wants to make it work and is 6 months later I change my mind she would like another chance. She told me she would quit the job where she was at she wants to try to work things out still says she does love me she says she know she ****ed up and wants to prove it and wants to be better but last week after work by the time I got to my car it was 12 minutes after my shift ended she called but I missed it so I called her back and she accused me of staying longer just so I could talk to a female then later that week she brought me dinner when I looked at her phone she had her history window open so I know she was deleting some of her history but not all of it I asked her more than once not to delete her history cuz there's no reason to and it was part of the trust that she was supposed to be rebuilding so when I seen that I asked her about it and she just said she was deleting purses and things like that she was looking at this was before I talked to her about divorce so later she said she did it because she was trying to get my attention but when you already have trust issues it's not good I told her that's not the way to get my attention still feel like there's something behind me going on that I don't know when she's like that I'm a bit conflicted about the divorce I guess it's just hard when I think about the family Good Times house pretty much the life we made

 

[Kettlebells]

I am divorced as well, and I concur with Vince's assessment of the situation. The last ten years of my marriage were intimate contact free. I too thought that I was doing the right thing for my children, but the damage that staying does to one as a man as well as one's children is not worth it. Men and women tend to cheat for different reasons. Men tend to cheat because they are sexually unsatisfied and an opportunity for novelty presents itself. A woman tends to cheat because her emotional needs are not being met and/or she has lost respect for her husband as a man, which means that the marriage is pretty much over. Remaining in such a marriage gives a man's wife a license to be abusive. It makes a man appear to be weak, which results in a further loss of respect.

 

[Leesto]

I feel for you. It's a tough situation compounded by your health issues and medication.

Bottom line for me though (having been there) is: once the trust is gone it's almost impossible to get it back. And trust is the foundation of any relationship. Without it there is no way forward.

I look forward to hearing how things go for you. Those of us who have been in your shoes know the emotional trauma that goes with it. It is never an easy decision. I wish you all the best in resolving this!

 

[PAUL-E]

Just an update I'm feeling a little better started talking to someone counseling. Agreed to give it a little time and see how things go but I'm not going to be taking any shit anymore. My wife's gambling has stopped. She's been taking a lot of steps to try to improve the relationship agreed to counseling finally took full responsibility for her decisions. Also helps she started getting treatment for her estrogen dominance because the last 7 years have been like living with a woman on PMS 24/7 so she has a lot better control over her temper which is great for the kids as well. I don't know where things are going to end up but for now I'm just giving things time and working on myself. I will have to give credit to testerone replacement therapy cuz without it I'm sure I would not be handling the situation as calmly and rationally as I am now I'll keep you guys posted what happens. Thanks PS just because I'm angry and I say I would like to do some things doesn't mean I actually would I have more control than that.