Why Are Men Having Fewer Friends ?

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Testosterone and Friendship Formation

Psychoneuroendocrinology Volume 76, February 2017, Pages 88–96 In two conditions, participants’ salivary testosterone and cortisol were measured before and after a high versus low closeness activity with another same-sex participant. In the high closeness task, participants took turns...
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Nelson Vergel said:
Another good article

peterattiamd.com

Prioritizing “real friends” over “deal friends”

In a recent conversation I had with author and social scientist Arthur Brooks, we discuss why friendship is one of the key factors in finding and maintaining happiness as we age.
peterattiamd.com peterattiamd.com
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I'm reading Arthur Brooks' new book right now, From Strength to Strength, and would strongly recommend it: From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness, and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life: Brooks, Arthur C.: 9780593191484: Amazon.com: Books
 
My wife is reading that book and likes it quite a bit as well. Perhaps I am fooling myself, but I would rate myself as extremely happy, and getting happier all the time. I have extremely close, loving, transparent relationships with my three kids and wife, but beyond that I basically have zero “real” friends. I absolutely have tons of deal friends, and tons of people I enjoy, but no one I would really say I cherish hanging out with.

I like it that way because it is efficient and allows me to focus on the things most important to me: family, personal growth and fitness. Of course it is possible that male relationships should be part of my growth goals but I just don’t have a ton of interest.
 
I find this true especially post covid, which doesn't help when you feel good, hormones optimized, healthy, and look and feel good. Middle age men ( my friends) seem to suffer from all of the above, making it hard to relate to them and friendships seem to suffer.
 
nodoctor said:
My wife is reading that book and likes it quite a bit as well. Perhaps I am fooling myself, but I would rate myself as extremely happy, and getting happier all the time. I have extremely close, loving, transparent relationships with my three kids and wife, but beyond that I basically have zero “real” friends. I absolutely have tons of deal friends, and tons of people I enjoy, but no one I would really say I cherish hanging out with.

I like it that way because it is efficient and allows me to focus on the things most important to me: family, personal growth and fitness. Of course it is possible that male relationships should be part of my growth goals but I just don’t have a ton of interest.
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I get this. I'm the same way. I have my family and and this one long-term platonic female friend, but no close male friends although I know a lot of guys. I get bored with being around guys for the most part. I'm long done with superficial conversations centering around sports or drinking or the like. Like you my focus is my family, fitness, and personal growth.
 
Strength to strength would definitely say that for long-term happiness you need more close friendships. I respectfully disagree with that book, but could be wrong. I love me and I’m never ever lonely, sad, or depressed. So maybe I’m unique in that way.
 
nodoctor said:
Strength to strength would definitely say that for long-term happiness you need more close friendships. I respectfully disagree with that book, but could be wrong. I love me and I’m never ever lonely, sad, or depressed. So maybe I’m unique in that way.
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I think the book suggests the exclusive focus on family works until it doesn't. Your kids grow up, move away, and become busy with their own lives. Marriages don't always last, but even if they do, you are depending too much on and asking too much from the spouse if they are your only close social connection. They may also become sick or die just when you are hoping to spend the most time with them in retirement.

I met a guy at the playground last month (lol). I was there with my 3 year old daughter, he also had a 3 year old daughter, and they seemed to hit it off. Turns out he is an IT guy with a nurse wife and I'm an IT guy with a nurse wife. He's tall and skinny just like me. I was going to ask him for his number before we left but I chickened out. I was kicking myself on the way home and resolved that if I ever saw him again, I would ask.

The next week I was sitting at my daughter's swim school, watching her through the glass, when a guy sits down next to me. It's the guy from the playground. I couldn't believe it. I asked him if he wanted to get together again for a playdate and he gave me his number. We spent almost 3 hours talking at the playground when we met up again. Turns out he also likes the family-friendly vineyards and breweries in the area. I think we're doing that with our families next.

If this works out, it will be the first new friend I've made, besides guys I work with, in 20+ years. It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there. It's probably right up there with asking a girl out on a date, in terms of the nerves surrounding it, at least for me. So, I'm pretty proud of myself.
 
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I love that that works for you! Hope y'all have fun.

Frankly, it takes zero courage for me to put myself out there and I've had roughly 100 play dates like that. I still say hi to all those dads and consider them friends, but not deep or meaningful friends so maybe it's how I'm understanding the types of male friendships the books wants people to have.

My kids adore me and if they move I'll move near them or fly to visit weekly and continue to be a giver in their specific love languages so they feel immense love forever (assuming they want me to). I plan to stay with my wife forever, but if she got hit by a bus heaven forbid, I would be incredibly sad, but once done with my morning process, I'd be dating 3 extremely hot, younger, smart, loving women within 3-6 months. Perhaps my unreasonably optimistic abundance mindset is one of the reasons I'm the happiest person I know. I realize it can also be kind of obnoxious (sorry!).
 
Vince said:
www-psychologytoday-com.cdn.ampproject.org

7 Secrets to Making Friends as an Adult

A step-by-step guide to making new friends as an adult.
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When I was little, we moved to a new city with Mom and dad. Sometimes dad drank, and then he complained to me that mom made him move and it was difficult for him here. He had no friends, only colleagues at work. He spent a lot of time with us, but still communication with friends is necessary for everyone. Thank you for sharing the article, I think it can be useful for him.
 
Connecting with old elementary friends has done it for me.. Not all but a few have been good and we just need to be reletless about getting together.

Whether it be for a workout, gun range, bbq, sports bar... thats all it takes man. And with instagram sharing a funny reel or picture helps in between.

As for meeting new folks i could work on that more.
 
I’ve been a real mess and the only real friend I have is my wife, stayed up until 02:00 with her just laying in bed talking… now we feel like we’re hung over.
 
nodoctor said:
My wife is reading that book and likes it quite a bit as well. Perhaps I am fooling myself, but I would rate myself as extremely happy, and getting happier all the time. I have extremely close, loving, transparent relationships with my three kids and wife, but beyond that I basically have zero “real” friends. I absolutely have tons of deal friends, and tons of people I enjoy, but no one I would really say I cherish hanging out with.

I like it that way because it is efficient and allows me to focus on the things most important to me: family, personal growth and fitness. Of course it is possible that male relationships should be part of my growth goals but I just don’t have a ton of interest.
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I have the exact same feelings and experience as you
 
Beyond Testosterone Book by Nelson Vergel
Where I'm from we have a saying- you only have 1 or 2 real friends. Took me many years to find that out but was true nonetheless was hard to believe when was a young buck with 400 active phone numbers and parties everywhere I go. Now 20-25 years passed and I don't know anyone from those 400. But I went the wrong way since school, skipped Uni so missed all the fun, the new contacts, new future potential friends. No friends from school as well and most ppl I considered friends back in the day. So now sometimes it's tough being alone but my girl is my best friend and also my family. I've been through some dark places in my life, hit rock bottom but managed to turn my life around. It's still work in progress but I'm proud of how far I've come. So I think that men who have been through a lot in their lifes will really look at people through a different lense and thus why it will be a lot harder if not impossible to find new friends...because experience has taught us that friends are like dinosaurs...extinct...and if one is big on respect, loyalty, drive etc then nowadays I'm pretty sure I won't find someone worth my time where I am at but still I try to keep positive outlook and continue to work till the day I can travel freely and reach my goals and dreams. Probably need to open a mens club or something for real men to gather and make things happen. Would be cool anyways :)

Regards,
Bel
 
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