Husband is on Clomid—nothing has changed

[aimee2018]

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[Nashtide]

Hi there, new to the forum and read a couple of stickies but I’m totally overwhelmed and out of my comfort zone. Sorry in advance for stupid questions.. I’m desperate.

My husband has been battling a nonexistent libido since very soon after we got married (beginning of this year). He was fine at the beginning of our engagement, I KNOW this isn’t just “how he is.” To say it’s stressful and disheartening is an understatement.. and since he has no sex drive, it’s really not a big deal in a sexual sense to him. He wants to fix it for our marriage’s sake, but anyway, I digress.

He saw a urologist when we were engaged for kidney stones. He passed a medium sized one on our honeymoon and that’s when it all started, I think. We didn’t have sex because of his excruciating pain of course, but it never recovered after that. The problem got worse and worse until finally now we haven’t been able to have sex in several months.

After the ED started he went back to the urologist and asked for help— they prescribed Clomid. He was on it for less than a month before he quit because he felt better, saw minimal results, and isn’t good at taking pills. This was before it was a huge issue and I wasn’t on his case about it. They told him at this point, a couple of months ago, that his testosterone was “that of an 80 year old man.” I think it was around 180?

He has since been referred to an endocrinologist who we have seen several times. He put him back on Clomid and he’s been on 50mg pretty rigidly (with me reminding him) every day for almost a month, I believe. He did blood work just before starting and they confirmed his testosterone was still low, in the 200’s (I think. I have this blood work if it helps anyone?)

Nothing is changing. I asked the doctor about the little stuff I know.. he doesn’t have early diabetes and he doesn’t have a brain tumor. It’s also not linked to kidney stones at all, apparently. I asked the doctor straight up how to find what the ACTUAL problem was, he told me there was NO way to find the source of the problem. Is this really true??

I’m reading so much negative stuff about Clomid and I just don’t know what to do or where to go from here. We are so discouraged and don’t know how to find a good doctor or what we should be looking for. I’m trying to help him lose weight but he’s no obese by any means, just a little overweight. He has also been more emotional and moody lately, we assume from the Clomid.
Sorry for the long post and any vital information I left out.. as I said, I really have no idea what I’m doing or where to go.

How old is he? Do y'all want kids at some point? Does he take any other medications? Any health problems? Porn? Mental health issues? The labs would be helpful. He needs a thorough work up. I'm pretty certain his labs did not include the sensitive E2 test, a full thyroid panel and prolactin levels. Your best bet is going to be a consultation with a real hormone doctor like those at Defy. You'll get more help when you fill in the blanks.

 

[fifty]

Hair or prostate medications (propecia / avodart / finasteride / dutasteride)? Anti-depressants? Certain medications I have been on in the past have made me have a worrying disinterest in sex.

Full lab panel including what Nashtide mentioned should shed some light on it. It might cost a few hundred dollars but it will be worth it to rule a lot of things out.

There's always ways to find the problem.

 

[blackebob]

I second callong Defy.
Clomid was a nightmare for me. The new internist I was sent to put me on clomid after I told him I was feeling 99% on Andro gel.Worst decision I have made in a long time. I would suggest you try it over clomid if you get labs to indicate testosterone thetapy is needed. If he wont take pills, at least you can rub it on his shoulder with a disposable food service glove

800 on clomid and 800 on testosterone are 2 diferent animals for me

 

[Jiu Jitsu Dude]

I had 750 T on Clomid and felt worse than when I had 154 T prior. Now on 100mg Test Cyp injections. Also with Clomid I was not interested in sex even though I still had a mild sex drive even at a 154 T without any treatment.

 

[Mountain Man]

How old is he? Do y'all want kids at some point? Does he take any other medications? Any health problems? Porn? Mental health issues? The labs would be helpful. He needs a thorough work up. I'm pretty certain his labs did not include the sensitive E2 test, a full thyroid panel and prolactin levels. Your best bet is going to be a consultation with a real hormone doctor like those at Defy. You'll get more help when you fill in the blanks.

These are good questions. In addition, what was sex like before with him. Was it ever any good? Has he ever been interested in sex with you? You say you have been married for a year or so, and this stuff started on the honeymoon, so have you known him longer than that? A lack of libido on a honeymoon, regardless of medical issues is a red flag. As a guy who has been a couples therapist, I see a lot of red flags in addition to the hormonal problems. Some guys don’t like sex and some guys try to marry to give the appearance that they are normal. Some couples don’t mind a sexless or virtually sexless marriage. I’d guess if this was bothering him, he would be interested I’d solving the problem. The fact that you are doing the asking of questions implies that you are working harder to resolve this than him. He needs to take ownership of this issue and do his own research.

He also needs to get fit. How’s his sleep, diet, does he exercise, lift, or have any activities that may spike some testosterone for him? By all means, check testosterone levels and hormones, but a decent therapist who can do a sexual history can also ferret out some of the details. With what you are describing, the devil may be in the details.

 

[Vince Carter]

50mg per day is way too much and that's where guys have problems on Clomid. The direct stim of that much to the testes drives Estrogen out of control. Clomid should be dosed no more than 12.5 per day or even EOD. Aside from the effort to help offered by guys above this is a glaring oversight on their part to try and help.

 

[Nashtide]

These are good questions. In addition, what was sex like before with him. Was it ever any good? Has he ever been interested in sex with you? You say you have been married for a year or so, and this stuff started on the honeymoon, so have you known him longer than that? A lack of libido on a honeymoon, regardless of medical issues is a red flag. As a guy who has been a couples therapist, I see a lot of red flags in addition to the hormonal problems. Some guys don’t like sex and some guys try to marry to give the appearance that they are normal. Some couples don’t mind a sexless or virtually sexless marriage. I’d guess if this was bothering him, he would be interested I’d solving the problem. The fact that you are doing the asking of questions implies that you are working harder to resolve this than him. He needs to take ownership of this issue and do his own research.

He also needs to get fit. How’s his sleep, diet, does he exercise, lift, or have any activities that may spike some testosterone for him? By all means, check testosterone levels and hormones, but a decent therapist who can do a sexual history can also ferret out some of the details. With what you are describing, the devil may be in the details.

I know the OP has not been back since her post, I got the feeling that the lack of libido did not pre-date the honeymoon otherwise she would have mentioned that.

 

[mooseman109]

Clomiddid nothing positive for me. Discounted labs.com provides a way for him to get labs done reasonably and you get the results. Just need to sign up and have a labcorp close to you to get blood drawn. There is a mens pre TRT panel that would be a good starting point.
I will agree with others, that Defy is the place to go. It is telemedicine unless you want to drive to Florida. Most endocrinologist and urologist don't seem to have a clue with this.
I also agree with Mtn man, maybe some couples counciling might be in order.

 

[MarkM]

If he wont take pills it is unlikely he will take the time to put Androgel on each day.

 

[blackebob]

Defy is medical practice that has expert staff when dealing with TRT, they do telemed(phone consults}. I wasted two years dealing with good intentioned "experts" who were clueless about alot of TRT issues.

 

[Nashtide]

Sorry all, have been meaning to check back here but honestly didn’t know if I would get replies or not. I’ll try to answer as best I can.

He’s 25, and we do want kids at some point but we are both full time pre-vet students and that won’t be on the table for another several years.
He does not take any other medications besides Clomid, and he’s healthy as a horse besides the occasional kidney stone. No porn, I know for a fact. No mental health issues, but we have been under an unnatural amount of stress lately which I know isn’t helping. But I also know that isn’t the root of the problem.

I will find his bloodwork asap. I’m sure it didn’t have anything useful on it either, but I don’t know what I’m looking for.
Again with the stupid questions, but what is Defy?

When did the libido issues begin?

 

[Systemlord]

The majority of urologists and endocrinologists will be ignorant in male sex hormones and won't even know what tests to run or how to interpret them as none of this is covered in medical school. Right out of medical school a doctor's knowledge in male sex hormones is almost zero.

All my endocrinologists didn't know anything about testosterone replacement therapy, they randomly suggested a course of action that always ended in misery. Urologists usually treat prostate and do procedures and endocrinologists usually treat diabetes and thyroid and the majority don't specialize in male sex hormones.

I found out about Defy Medical and decided to give it a try and it wasn't anything like my previous endocrinologists visits.

My consults are over the phone, labs are done the usual way at labcorp and all my medicines are mailed to me. No more playing the doctor lottery hoping the next endocrinologists has any sort of clue.

 

[Mary@DefyMedical]

If you have questions about Defy Medical, please feel free to reach out to me, I’d happy to help. You may send an email to [email protected]

 

[Nashtide]

Kind of hard to say. While dating/just after getting engaged he was 100%. A month or two before getting married it might have started, but we were trying to wait anyway and it could very well have gone unnoticed. Obviously it was a glaring issue on the honeymoon but with his kidney stone we chalked it up to extreme pain affecting him. It kind of got to 75% after getting married and has declined to 0 since then.

Again, this makes me sound like a demon of a wife who led him to the libido slaughter. He wants to change and we love each other endlessly, both as best friends and sexual partners. He does what he can but it’s not the same when you have no sex drive and I get that. :/

First, you come off as a loving wife who cares deeply for her husband and the marriage. Your husband is lucky to have you. I've been married 30 years and I can say with 100% certainty that sex is very important for a good marriage. Intimacy is what really makes a marriage a unique relationship. If you are sure this is not psychological, it must be physical. You need to get a full panel of lab work with the tests I specified in my first reply. No way around this.

 

[mooseman109]

Contact Mary and it will be the beginning of resolution to your problems. We do not see you demon wife. Just a concerned wife trying to figure out what is going on.

 

[MarkM]

It's really nice to see a wife being so supportive during a difficult time for her husband (and for herself too). "Through thick and thin, better or worse......" ............reminds me of my wife and what a rock she has been for me for 35 years.

With your persistence I am sure this is going to get fixed!

Best wishes

 

[blackebob]

Be prepared for push back from your endo if you try to use them in addition to Defy. I have had it happen to me.

 

[Checkdis]

Sorry all, have been meaning to check back here but honestly didn’t know if I would get replies or not. I’ll try to answer as best I can.

He’s 25, and we do want kids at some point but we are both full time pre-vet students and that won’t be on the table for another several years.
He does not take any other medications besides Clomid, and he’s healthy as a horse besides the occasional kidney stone. No porn, I know for a fact. No mental health issues, but we have been under an unnatural amount of stress lately which I know isn’t helping. But I also know that isn’t the root of the problem.

I will find his bloodwork asap. I’m sure it didn’t have anything useful on it either, but I don’t know what I’m looking for.
Again with the stupid questions, but what is Defy?

In my honest opinion, I believe this is all caused by anxiety/stress. I would have him talk to a professional and see exactly what is going on in his head. Have him practice some mindfulness meditation. I went through a whole ED/Libido issue back during my college days (24-28y/o) but that was when I was messing with my hormones abusing steroids. Little did I know coming of several times was creating a greater imbalance in my brain. I created anxiety which killed my sex drive, but after a years worth of just focusing on my life and not focusing on the issue... it passed. I just found a way to cope and look past it. The brain will amplify issues under stress/anxiety. So after this period in my life I then again crashed my T levels down to 86, but this time my libido was okay and had no ED. Also my estradiol was crashed as well... so even having zero hormones in my body I still could function normally. He is still young and I would invest time in consoling, maybe he is masterbating numerous times a day without your knowledge. We all got needs lol, and porn is not good for the mind, so i’m not saying he watches it but with this easy computer generation, porn is too easy to access now. It is polluting the mind. I fixed my ED and libido by not masterbating, and not watching porn. No cialis, no viagra, no drugs.

 

[Jiu Jitsu Dude]

In my honest opinion, I believe this is all caused by anxiety/stress. I would have him talk to a professional and see exactly what is going on in his head. Have him practice some mindfulness meditation. I went through a whole ED/Libido issue back during my college days (24-28y/o) but that was when I was messing with my hormones abusing steroids. Little did I know coming of several times was creating a greater imbalance in my brain. I created anxiety which killed my sex drive, but after a years worth of just focusing on my life and not focusing on the issue... it passed. I just found a way to cope and look past it. The brain will amplify issues under stress/anxiety. So after this period in my life I then again crashed my T levels down to 86, but this time my libido was okay and had no ED. Also my estradiol was crashed as well... so even having zero hormones in my body I still could function normally. He is still young and I would invest time in consoling, maybe he is masterbating numerous times a day without your knowledge. We all got needs lol, and porn is not good for the mind, so i’m not saying he watches it but with this easy computer generation, porn is too easy to access now. It is polluting the mind. I fixed my ED and libido by not masterbating, and not watching porn. No cialis, no viagra, no drugs.

SO true. Been there done it. It would desensitise me to my wife (porn). It's the opposite of what I expected. Haven't done porn in 18 years and have had great sex with my wife since.