Any advice appreciated - struggling to cope

Before i begin i realise how stupid and irresponsible this will read and ask you not to judge me. I never intend to cycle again and just want to get back to my normal self asap. Its a long thread but i cant put into words how much i value your time/response.

At age 22 in Around April/May 2015 i ran a cycle of test-e 250mg twice a week all the way up to September. I was young and stupid and was extremely negligent towards possible side affects. I threw anavar in towards the end of the cylce and my testicles shrivelled up to nothing at one point. I did not manage E2 with any sort or AI so throughout the cycle I had ED issues even though libido was here. I didnt use hcg on cycle either. On a long coach journey whilst on i also had a case of very bad swollen feet which i believe is down to high E2 and have varicose veins in one of them.

At the end of the cycle in september 2015 i took tamoxifen following dosgaes recommended online somewhere for about 4 weeks and threw in some arimidex not really knowing what i was doing. My libido was okayish but i always struggled to maintain an erection and it never felt the same.

I had a bloods done in june 2016 after avoiding the GP for as long as poss and he said everything was fine and in range so i put it down to being a psychological thing. I also believed it was however the reason i knew it wasnt was i went on holiday twice that summer, and each time after a few days in the sun POW i was back to my normal self ! Feeling happier, libido like it used to be and no signs of ED ! exactly how i was pre steroids. However a few days upon returning to the UK it was back to low test symptoms. I figured vitamin D definiciency may be the cause and was buzzing to test my theory however supplementing with this even at high does did nothing ? (I have read about other people with this observation regarding the sunlight post steroid cycle) ????

So when the doctor dismissed me i was down and did some stupid 2/3 week course of winstrol at 50mg a day before i went on holiday in September 2016 as a bit of a confidence booster with some friends who are also uneducated on steroid use and we did no pct.

I paid my GP to see the blood results from june 2016 and the only useful value i could really see was that my total serum testosterone was 11.7nmol/L. This was 7 months after finishing the cycle so within range but when i looked ... well out for a 23 year old ?! My GP never picked up on this ... then i foolishly threw more steroids in myself ?!

I just dont get the sexual urges i used to before steroids but libido was dealable. I just dont feel like i used to before i touched them. I could get an erection and have some pleasure but struggled to maintain it and nowhere near pre steroids.

I paid to privately see an endo and he recommended i just wait it out as im young and it could take up to 3 years to return to homeostasis. The GP didnt have a clue when i mentioned things like clomid and nolvadex, never tested my E2 and said i could have counselling.

I went on OTC test boosters and a PCT product with reservatrol in for two months at the end of 2016, and my libido went way down and ED worsened and ive had no libido since. I could look at any girl and nothing. I had bloods done in December which came in at:-

Testosterone 29.7nmol/L (7.6-31.4)

Free Test 0.677nmol/L (0.30 - 1)

Oestradiol 226.7pmol/L (0-191.99)

SHBG 31.24nmol/L (16-55)

FSH 2.03 IU/L (1.5 - 12.4)

LH 7.9 IU/L (1.7 - 9.6)

That E2 was sky high and explained why i then had 0 libido. The OTC PCT product with reservatrol seemed to be acting like a serm however my E2 rose in proportion with my T. I have since stopped these products and experimented with clomid and arimidex for a long time however it made me feel so down i stopped everything for 4 weeks.

I have began to redo a long 6-8 week PCT of clomid 25 and nolva 20 daily on the advice of smarter forum users. My testicles got slightly bigger but nothin to shout about, and i had been getting the odd morning erection but theres no libido with them.

should have just come off everything and levelled out im a ****ing idiot but i was looking for a quick fix. So i then upon the advice of a gym goer who seemed clued up went on a 'recovery' cycle.

I have been on sust 250mg per week for 6 weeks now with hcg 500iu 3x per week (this is recommended in jcaesar369 protocol also) and arimidex to keep e2 down.

Had these bloods taken two days ago:

17-BETA OESTRADIOL 67.2 pmol/L (0.00 - 191.99) TESTOSTERONE *43.83 nmol/L (7.60 - 31.40)

This was taken the other morning where i had rare morning wood ... but still not much sensation and zero libido ... it just doesnt even cross my mind. And to top it off i seem to be shedding hair on this sust cycle !! Im using nizoral and minoxidil to try combat this

Im 24 now and for the past 8 months ive messed around with my hormones and supplements hoping to improve me libido that much i just dont know what to do anymore. I need help and telling what to do.

So on the wiki advice here i cut this cycle short ... and have been on 1000iu hcg 3x per week and .5mg adex with every shot

There has been a slight short libido increae and slightly better erections after each shot but nowhere near major. My load size and testicle volume seem to increase very temporarily too then go back. I was advised to carry this on for another 3 weeks then to PCT with clomid & nolva

I just want to be normal its been so long. I know my bodies probably in a state of shock to be honest and im a ****ing idiot looking to resolve speedily hs worsened the case.

But going back on was my last resort to get a libido back and it doesnt seem to be working so i dont know whats up

Doctors dismiss me and i have to reach out for advice on the internet its so difficult. I want to live like a normal 24 year old. I really have paid for my stupidity.

Thanks it's much appreciated

Sounds like you are throwing darts at a dart board trying to fix the problem. Many of the "stop hair loss" products can cause terrible problems with your endocrine system and should be avoided.

Also if you are taking testosterone now, that will not get you back to normal. It is just making things worse for you isn't it? As it's keeping your natural production down/off even with the HCG included. Most plans to restore natural production include clomid/HCG etc.

Speaking from experience, getting your body back in order will take a long time and wont be an overnight fix.

First PB, you must stop messing with all of this stuff. You will never be able to fix the problem if you are constantly taking different substances. Second, forgive yourself for what you've done. Yes it wasn't the smartest idea but you can get better. You will be able to forgive yourself if you make better decisions going forward. It will take time and patience though. First if you can afford it, go call Defy Medical and get started over there. They can listen to you and come up with a medically appropriate plan with ongoing testing. Maybe you try clomid with them to start since you are young and have only messed with things for 2-3yrs. clomid had at least a chance to get your system functioning normally, especially at your age. If TRT is needed, then they can do it with you the right way and watch out for your health. You are young and have a lot of life ahead so don't get discouraged. The body can heal and if it doesn't there are avenues to help you. For reference (not a recommendation to keep taking sustenon) 250 is too much to take if you want to be so called "back to normal" over the long haul. Please seek help from a doctor who will not judge you and knows what they are doing. I wish you the best of luck in recovering and feeling better.

You're in the UK, aren't you? We know of one, first-rate private practice in Dorset that we can refer you to, www.preventativehealthdoctors.co.uk. But, no matter who you turn to professionally, you must quit injecting and injesting whatever substance seems to come to your attention. Then you must realize that what's done is done: lacerating yourself over past choices is a distraction at this point. You made a number of mistakes, no question, but you are young, and with proper care you should be able to regain that which you have lost.

Seems like you've moved forward with each step without doing enough homework. Started with that cycle and not using an ai. Those December bloods don't look too far off from where you want to be. It's not clear if you were on something to boost T at that time. Not familiar with reservatrol.

You just need patience and a restart protocol from the sound of it. Either get an endo who specializes in issues like these, or you may as well go at it yourself. It will be a bumpy ride, but I'd think a restart could get you back to normal again. Clomid and hcg are what is normally used. If a good restart doesn't get total T up to 500+ you probably are destined for TRT, which is going to work once the protocol is right. Even then, if you dive in without being knowledgeable you'll end up in a similar mess to what you've experienced so far. If it were me I wouldn't stress too much about libido and such being off in the middle of the restart. The goal is healthy hormone levels once the drugs are out of your system.