Vince
Super Moderator
In The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World, co-author (with the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu) and narrator Douglas Carlton Abrams tells a story about his father, who suffered a brain injury. It was touch and go for a while, but when he came around, his other son said to him, “I’m sorry this happened to you.”
And the father responded. “It’s OK. It’s part of my curriculum.”
It’s part of my curriculum.
A useful metaphor for life, and for grief.
“Thinking of grieving as a form of learning makes [grief] a little more familiar and helps us to understand,” said psychologist Mary-Frances O’Connor, author of The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn From Love and Loss.
Before she started studying grief, O’Connor had commonplace beliefs about it. “I had a very traditional view that this is an event that happens to us and so we have to react to that stress and recover.”
But She soon came to understand grief was not just the addition of stress; more importantly, it was a profound subtraction. “It had not really occurred to me that the brain had to adjust to the loss of this person that provides all this comfort and reward, and we have to figure out how to live in the world with that absence.”
Learning to live with the absence is the most primal lesson in the Grief 101 curriculum.
Early on in grief, this chaos is fine. Not fun, but not surprising. Early grief is an out-of-control kindergarten, with difficult new thoughts and emotions running amok in our brains. Is it any wonder grief is also physically exhausting? “It’s like you’re trying to learn calculus while also running a marathon,” O’Connor said—hence, the brain fog many of us complain about.
And , studying voles, researchers spotted what they call “partner approach neurons” in the amygdala. These are “neurons that are specifically firing as you approach your partner,” says O’Connor. “As the bonds get stronger there are more of these neurons.” What happens to those neurons when that loved one is gone? We don’t yet know. This field of research is fairly new, and longitudinal studies have not been completed.
“All those stories we’re telling ourselves, those virtual realities we’re making up, all those stories end in ‘and then my loved one lived,’” said O’Connor. “But of course, that’s not the reality. As deeply painful as it is to face that, it is also the world in which you live now. Spending a lot of time in this virtual world doesn’t help us connect with people around us, doesn’t help us figure out what is meant for us to do today.”
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And the father responded. “It’s OK. It’s part of my curriculum.”
It’s part of my curriculum.
A useful metaphor for life, and for grief.
“Thinking of grieving as a form of learning makes [grief] a little more familiar and helps us to understand,” said psychologist Mary-Frances O’Connor, author of The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn From Love and Loss.
Before she started studying grief, O’Connor had commonplace beliefs about it. “I had a very traditional view that this is an event that happens to us and so we have to react to that stress and recover.”
But She soon came to understand grief was not just the addition of stress; more importantly, it was a profound subtraction. “It had not really occurred to me that the brain had to adjust to the loss of this person that provides all this comfort and reward, and we have to figure out how to live in the world with that absence.”
Learning to live with the absence is the most primal lesson in the Grief 101 curriculum.
Grief Kindergarten Is Chaos
Very early grief is a chaotic free-for-all, internally. Our brains spin like a busted hard drive trying to locate the person we have lost. They run through scenario after scenario, all ending with the loved one surviving. They struggle to make sense of an unimaginable future. And all this while also negotiating the necessities of living: waking up, taking a shower, feeding ourselves. And we must do more complex tasks—working, parenting,and engaging with others.Early on in grief, this chaos is fine. Not fun, but not surprising. Early grief is an out-of-control kindergarten, with difficult new thoughts and emotions running amok in our brains. Is it any wonder grief is also physically exhausting? “It’s like you’re trying to learn calculus while also running a marathon,” O’Connor said—hence, the brain fog many of us complain about.
Neural Bereavement
Our brains are expending energy just looking for our lost loved ones. Researchers have identified what they call “here, now, close” neurons that evolved to help us keep track of the loved ones on whom we depend. When our loved one’s corporeal presence suddenly vanishes (and it feels abrupt, even when expected), our brains don’t stop looking right away. They must learn over time that the person is no longer here, now, close.And , studying voles, researchers spotted what they call “partner approach neurons” in the amygdala. These are “neurons that are specifically firing as you approach your partner,” says O’Connor. “As the bonds get stronger there are more of these neurons.” What happens to those neurons when that loved one is gone? We don’t yet know. This field of research is fairly new, and longitudinal studies have not been completed.
Mindfulness and Grief
Our brains also must learn to handle intense emotions, including sadness and what I think of as its accompanying gremlins: guilt, rumination, and regret. While sadness is inevitable and healthy, the gremlins obstruct healing. One hypothesis posits that rumination is a way of trying to avoid the gut-wrenching sadness of pure grief, either by distracting ourselves with guilt and regret or living in a la-la-land of better outcomes.“All those stories we’re telling ourselves, those virtual realities we’re making up, all those stories end in ‘and then my loved one lived,’” said O’Connor. “But of course, that’s not the reality. As deeply painful as it is to face that, it is also the world in which you live now. Spending a lot of time in this virtual world doesn’t help us connect with people around us, doesn’t help us figure out what is meant for us to do today.”
How Grief Can Change the Brain
The lessons are hard, but the class can't be avoided.
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